Kamek's Revenge
by Mr. Awesome Guitarfreak
Summary: Bowser has pushed Kamek beyond his limits, so Kamek tells Bowser how to take over the Mushroom Kingdom. Bowser succeeds, but with all his focus on the wedding he forgets to check on his castle, and the place becomes a mess. A big, magical mess.
1. Prologue: Kamek Boils Over

**Chapter One: Kamek Boils Over**

"Kamek, could you go get my headache medication?"

_Dammit!_ thought Kamek. _That should be MY headache medication! He's driving me off the wall with this stuff!_

Kamek often was distraught with Bowser's ridiculous requests. These included removal of his shell, application of lotion to his putrid, disgusting feet, and keeping Peach's dungeon cage nice and mortifying. The easiest task was probably keeping Bowser Jr's room tidy because all he had to do was transport all the filth to the dungeon.

"Coming, sir!" Kamek shouted from downstairs.

"Ugh! This tastes like cow crap! Make it taste better on the double!"

"I can't make this medicine taste any better than it already does. Either take it or suffer the headache!" Kamek said blankly.

"DO YOU WANT TO SPEND ETERNITY IN THE DUNGEON?" yelled Bowser.

"Not really, but there's nothing I can-"

"Enough talking! SON?"

An annoyed Bowser Jr. trudged into Bowser's master bedroom.

"Take this clown away," Bowser demanded. "And watch him closely to make sure he doesn't pull anything sly! And confiscate his wand, too!"

Bowser Jr reached for Kamek's pocket, snatched his wand, and taunted him a few times.

"Bet you can't reach your wand now!" said Bowser Jr as Kamek jumped towards it with everything he had.

Bowser Jr had been unusually chatty lately. And Kamek couldn't teleport away because whatever happened, anyone he was touching would go with him. So he was just stuck there listening to Bowser Jr talking to himself, and occasionally to Kamek, though there was no set routine. As Bowser Jr began to talk to himself, Kamek began to wiggle his wrists out of Bowser Jr's fat hands, later resorting to gnawing off his own arm.

"Stop that! You know you'll never escape my grasp!" taunted Bowser Jr. "Just for that, we're taking the long way!"

Kamek hated the long way. It meant going through the castle just like Mario would have if he were trying to rescue Peach. It meant going past the Dry Boneses on the second floor who always greeted him with,

"Bowser ticked off again, eh Kamek?"

It was horrible. It was like being forced through thirty hours of watching a Disney sitcom with your feet nailed to the floor. Even worse, you were getting locked in a dungeon after that. For Kamek, there really was no analogy for that. Kamek finally arrived at the dungeon, Bowser Jr tossed him in, and the dungeon door shut. Clank! From there, Kamek's next move was talking to Pauline, Mario's first love. When Bowser kidnapped her, he failed to mention to Mario that Pauline was kidnapped as well. Over time he forgot she was in there and Mario found love elsewhere.

"What are you going to do about him? He just keeps treating you like crap!" Pauline encouraged.

"I don't know what to do. That's the problem. He's an evil royal. No one can compete with an evil royal," replied Kamek.

"Mario was always so good at defeating Bowser," said Pauline.

"That's why they named the game after him," said Kamek sarcastically.

"What game?"

"Umm… Idunno!"

"You need to get your point across in a better way. Maybe you should give him what he wants," Pauline suggested.

"What do you mean?" asked Kamek.

"I mean, give him his heart's desire."


	2. The Plan

**The Plan**

Kamek spent days in the dungeon with Pauline, just talking until they finally conceived a plan. The plan was to touch Bowser in a place he couldn't resist, his heart. But how do you get an evil Koopa King to open up that deeply? Kamek now knew, and he waited to put his plan into action.

Mario packed his final bag, waved goodbye to his brother Luigi, alter-ego Wario, and friend Daisy, and left for his plane to Shy Guy Beach. It was a long awaited vacation for the Mushroom Kingdom's sworn defender. He also did plumbing at a decent price. But Mario needed a break from saving the princess, so he left Waluigi in charge in case Bowser kidnapped her again. But where was Peach in all this?

At the moment, Peach was sitting in her throne, ruling her kingdom. Her tea sat next to her on an end table. She liked it hot and with a hint of raspberry, and it helped her stay calm if crisis was occurring. Right now, Peach was trying to deal with the fact that her boyfriend would be gone without her for two weeks. But to make sure he kept his mind- and his heart- in the right place, she sent a picture of herself and a misshapen, defaced picture of Rosalina to remind him that she was his love, as he did sometimes have a wandering eye. But that didn't matter so long as Peach knew she could take the girl that was trying to steal Mario's love. She did have a great workout plan. She could even take down Mario if she had to. So why was she not the Mushroom Kingdom's sworn defender? Because she was the Princess, and the princess could not get dirty, for it was against the royal laws.

Bowser woke up from his afternoon nap and called the Koopalings and Bowser Jr. in to have an urgent family meeting. All of them sat down in the dining hall eating the remains of the people that died trying to rescue the princess.

"Afternoon, children. I called this family meeting so that we could talk about what to do with the prisoner."

"We should skin him alive and eat his guts," suggested Iggy.

"No. We need to do something humane. Just because Kamek's the prisoner doesn't mean he isn't still my servant," replied Bowser.

"Okay. Then we'll cuss him out," said Morton Koopa.

"I said humane! Not Profane!" screamed an agitated Bowser. "Maybe we should just go talk to him," said Bowser after he calmed down.

"Geez, dad. Since when are you so calm?" asked Bowser Jr sarcastically.

"Keep that up, boy, and I won't give you the inheritance!" threatened Bowser.

The Inheritance was an enormous pile of gold, red, and blue coins that Bowser had earned and/or stolen in his lifetime. Bowser kept the inheritance in a safe place that only he, Kamek, and Peach knew about. Peach because she was locked there one time, and Kamek because he spent all day cleaning that room before he was imprisoned. This Inheritance was to be given to Bowser Jr after Bowser died. Right. As if Bowser Jr wasn't spoiled enough. He already had weapons of mass destruction that he used to crush Mario on a regular basis.

But I digress. The seven Koopalings, Bowser Jr, and Bowser were strolling down the stairs to the dungeon where Kamek and Pauline were sitting, bored.

"Do you hear that?" asked Kamek softly.

"Yeah," replied Pauline. "And I think it's Bowser. Act natural."

"You should hide," Kamek said.

"Why?"

"Because if Bowser sees that you're in here, he'll put you on lockdown. But Mario won't save you. He's too caught up in his love life with Peach."

"Peach. What does he see in her?"

"Shhh! He's coming," Kamek said as he forced Pauline to duck down.

The family of nine stormed in, slammed the dungeon door open, and Bowser pointed Shy Guy's spear directly in front of Kamek's throat.

"Okay, Kamek, start talking. I'm gonna rip someone's head clear off their neck in the next five seconds, so give me one good reason why that someone shouldn't be you!" interjected Bowser.

"Because, I-, um, I-,"

"The plan. The plan," whispered Pauline.

"Who said that?" inquired Bowser.

"Um," stuttered Kamek. "I did. The plan, the plan. See? Okay. Now, the reason is because- because... Because I can tell you how to take over the Mushroom Kingdom! There, I said it!"

"You mean you knew all this time?" asked Bowser as he retracted the Shy Guy spear.

"Um. yes. But you never- asked?" muttered Kamek.

"You know what? I didn't ask, did I? That's crazy. Tell me everything I need to know."

"Okay, first you're going to sneak in through the back left window. Has to be the left. Peach's bathroom is on the right," explained Kamek.

"In that case, I'll go in on the right," said Bowser.

"If I might continue, please?"

"Yeah, sure. Ludwig, are you taking notes?"

"Yes dad," replied Ludwig in a sulking tone.

"So you sneak in through the back left, push the bottom drawer in, crawl through the space where the drawer was, and here's the real biter. The one thing you cannot finish the job without," Kamek explained.

Kamek whispered the rest of the details into Bowser's ear.

"Kids, start the ship. We're going to see my new fiancee."

"You're gonna marry Peach?" asked Wendy.

"Of course!" yelled Bowser.

"How'd you like to be the flower girl, my little Kootie Pie?"

"Oh I'd love that!" said Wendy while she folded her hands and put them to her face.

"And?" Kamek asked.

"Fine. You can come out of the dungeon," Bowser said.

"Bless you, sir" lied Kamek.

Bowser and his children left the kingdom, started the ship, and traveled eight worlds to the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Are we there yet?" begged Larry Koopa.

"No! Stop asking me that!" yelled his annoyed father.

They finally arrived at the Mushroom Kingdom ready to make their move.

"Wait... Their move?" asked Bowser. "I'm the one who's going in to take it over. By myself!"

"That's not what the plot dictates," I reminded him.

"Just keep going with it," Bowser commanded.

I followed his request. They were ready to make their move, and no one was any the wiser.


	3. The Victory

**Chapter Three: The Victory**

Princess Peach woke up from her afternoon nap, much like that of a cat, sprawled out on the bed after watching soap operas. She, however, was blissfully unaware of Bowser and the Koopalings sneaking in through the back left, pushing the bottom drawer in, and finishing it off with the real ending move. Getting into Peach's room at the highest point in the castle would, too, be a snap, even if the Toads were hard to shut up. Thankfully, they were quiet enough when Bowser threatened them all. Having planned this entrance for a long, long time, Bowser slammed Peach's bedroom door in and got down on his knees, with a little box in his hand. In this box was a diamond ring bigger than a cashew, but smaller than a ping pong ball.

"Princess, will you marry me?" Bowser asked affectionately, using his puppy dog eyes.

Peach got off her bed and yelped. "No! I will NEVER marry you! You're a pig. A chauvinist pig! And you smell and eat with your mouth open! Maybe you don't get Plumber's Crack, but you're still the worst possible choice for marriage!"

"Okay, Princess," said a dejected Bowser. "I'll come back tomorrow and see what you think. Take care of yourself."

Peach was surprised that Bowser walked out without doing anything, and she continued to lay on her bed and watch her soap opera. A few moments later, the doorbell rang. Peach ran down the stairs of her enormous castle and opened the door. You'd never guess who showed up at the door.

"Hi, Princess. Me again," Bowser began. "Just thought I'd let you know that I thought of something kind of funny when I started leaving. See, I'm a giant monster koopa dragon thingy. I can kill you. I could probably eat out your brains and all of your vital organs. So, do we maybe wanna rethink the whole- the whole monologue that you just had there? About how I'm this 'chauvinist pig' and that I 'smell.' I mean, I'm a pretty relaxed guy most of the time, but that stuff just hurts! Okay, so this may seem a little forced, but, if you don't marry me, I'm going to kill you. That's just how it is right now."

Peach knew there was nothing she could do. She reached for the little box with the ring in it, opened it up, and put the ring on her finger. She took a disappointed sigh.

"Now," finished Bowser. "Let's get planning for our wedding. Wait. Hang on. I need to call someone."

Bowser got out his cell phone and called Kamek.

"Hello?" asked Kamek.

"Kamek, baby. Your plan worked! I owe you one for that. But listen, dude. I'm gonna need you to keep watch of the castle while I'm gone. Is that cool?" Bowser said.

"Yeah. That'll be fine," answered a hasty Kamek, who hung up shortly after.

Now that Kamek was in charge, he would now get to decide what would happen in the castle. Even though there wasn't anyone in the castle besides him and Pauline, he decided to take control of it.

"Time to make this place mine," he said to himself, while spray painting the phrase 'Kamek is awesome' on the walls of the master bedroom.

His second decree as new head of the castle was to let Pauline out of the dungeon so that she could meet some other short plumber who had real feelings for her. Kamek's third decree was that he would have an enormous party for all the good people of the Mushroom Kingdom. Once the party started, Kamek greeted the guests.

"Welcome to the party guys. Hey Toadie, how's it going? Catch you later, pal. Ooh. Hey, ladies. I'll see _you_ on the dancefloor. Stay cool. Hey, do I know you?"

"Name's Jerry. I walked past you in the mall that one day."

"Aw man! I don't even remember that," said Kamek. "Well have fun at the party, Gabe."

"It's Jerry."

"Thanks, man. I'm gonna remember that," promised Kamek.

Back at the Princess's Castle, however, things were no party. Bowser sat on the couch with his fiancé, Peach, tied up in the chair next to him with her feet nailed to the floor. It was the first time they ever watched television together as a couple. Not that Peach was keeping track. Bowser was, actually. He'd kept track of all of their 'firsts' as a couple, and this was the first first. Let's hope he wrote that one down.

"Dear," Peach said, grimacing at her forced-upon fiancé.

"What is it, sweetie pie?" asked Bowser affectionately.

"This would be so much more enjoyable if my feet weren't nailed to the floor," Peach said in her dreamiest possible voice.

"But then you would run away," muttered Bowser.

"No I wouldn't. I was just going to go get you, um, a snack."

"Sorry, Princess, I'm not hungry."

It became clearer and clearer to Peach that, try as she might, she wasn't about to leave this place. She was a prisoner in her own castle.


	4. The Renovations

**A/N:** 4/21/11 The rating has been changed to T due to a sex reference in this chapter.

**The Renovations**

Bowser never called his castle anymore to check in. It had been two weeks since the day that Bowser asked Peach to marry him. But it was a good thing he didn't. If ignorance were bliss, Bowser would be the happiest person alive right now.

The reason it would be good is that today was the day that, after having several wild parties, that Kamek was going to take some time to redo Bowser's Castle in his own way, therefore making it Kamek's Castle. He liked the sound of that a lot.

It looked like Bowser was doing a little renovation of his own back at Peach's Castle. Today, he was out at the hardware store with his fiancee. After their long, romantic walk to get there, they entered. Once the couple entered the hardware store, the salespeople's mouths all dropped in unison. There were small mumbles of, "Bowser and the Princess? Who would've thought that."

"Can I get some help please?" asked Bowser of a salesperson in the room.

The Koopa salesperson paused for a moment to make sure his mouth was no longer dropped, then said, "Yes. Welcome to Koopa hardware. How can I help you?"

"Well, we're looking to, um, make some renovations to our lovely home, as well as the tools to building a crib of sorts," Bowser explained.

The salesperson did a double take.

"You mean you two are... together?"

Peach was going to say, "No! I hate this lowlife son of a-" but she was cut off by Bowser, who said,

"Uh, what she means is that," he paused a moment to clear his throat. "We're engaged! You're all invited to our wedding!" he shouted with glee.

Everyone in the hardware store cheered and clapped for the one-sidedly happy couple.

Kamek tightened the final hubcap to the final wheel of his giant trojan horse. Why did he need a trojan horse? Easy, he wanted one. And Waluigi from down the street had one, too. With their trojan horses they liked to joust, and after awhile it started becoming a tourist attraction. Come See Two Neighbors Duke It Out In A Joust! This Friday Only!

Aside from his living quarters being a lot better, it seemed like Kamek was finally getting the revenge he so longed for in the past. His life was really turning around.

At the moment, Kamek was jousting with Waluigi on their giant trojan horses when all of a sudden he heard a vibration in the pocket of his wizard robes. Could it be? It was. Kamek took his cell phone out of his pocket and answered it.

"Hello, Bowser. How's it going, ol' buddy ol' pal?" greeted Kamek.

"Not good. I just remembered I left my sweater back at the castle," said Bowser.

"But you never wear that sweater," Kamek argued.

"What are you talking about? That's, like, my favorite sweater!"

"I've never seen you wear it anywhere else but church!"

"I've worn it tons of times. You just never noticed. Anyway, I'm gonna be over there in about ten minutes to pick it up. I'm also gonna need to leave the kids with you. I've been trying to get into bed with the princess, but it doesn't help that they keep walking in on us thinking I'm trying to eat her. Anyways, I'll be there in ten, okay?" explained Bowser.

"Okay," replied Kamek as he hung up the phone.

Thankfully, Kamek hadn't done much to the castle, seeing as the trojan horse took a good two or three days out of Kamek's social life. But how would he manage to get his revenge and make his renovations with all eight of Bowser's children there watching him. He would have to bribe them all, but he knew he didn't have that kind of coin. _Wait a minute,_ thought Kamek. _The Inheritance! I know where it is. I'll just take some money from there and give it to the kids to shut them up about the whole thing! Kamek, you're a genius!_

After Kamek's musing was finished, Bowser hopped out of his car and knocked on the door of his castle. Kamek got off of the throne he was sitting on and answered the door.

"Hey, Kamek!" said Bowser.

"What's up Bowser? Say, have you always had that car?" asked Kamek.

"Yeah, it's an old go-kart from my GameCube days that I modified to look like a Prius," said Bowser. "Do you have my sweater?"

"Right here, sir," said Kamek as he gave Bowser his sweater. "I've still never seen you wear this thing."

"Aw, shut up. Don't deny it!" defended Bowser.

Bowser's kids got out of his car and into the castle and Bowser drove off.

"Hey kids. I'll give you each a thousand gold coins if you don't tell your dad anything about what happens here the next few weeks," said Kamek to the kids.

"You don't have the money," accused Ludwig von Koopa.

"You sure about that?" asked Kamek while handing Ludwig 1,000 gold coins.

"Not anymore, I guess," he retorted.

When Kamek was finished handing out the money he said, "You guys can spend that on whatever you want!"

All eight of the kids were so happy that Kamek gave them this money. So happy in fact that they were blissfully unaware of the bribery that was about to occur. Kamek was finally going to get his revenge, whether they liked it or not.


End file.
